at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
