omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
