She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
