I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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