I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
