I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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