I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
