found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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