Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
