I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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