I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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