I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
