Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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