Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
