She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
Randomize
