I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
