just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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