I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
