Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
