I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
