Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
