as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
