True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
