if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the room spins SO much faster in panama
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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