What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
