eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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