So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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