my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize