It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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