I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
