"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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