i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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