I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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