Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize