the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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