There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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