I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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