I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
