Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
