I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
