i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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