we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize