my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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