If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
