Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
