Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
