Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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