right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
