A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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