Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
