there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
