im having a threesome with these popsicles
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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