i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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