Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
