She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
