mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
