sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
