My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
